I have a philosophy about relationships that I have followed for most of my dating life that others never seem to agree with. In my view, relationships, especially in the beginning, are experiments. They are learning experiences, particularly for young people, and they are meant to help us grow and evolve as humans. They teach us essential skills and lessons: how to communicate, how to compromise, how to commit, and how to be emotionally intimate with others.
This may not sound particularly controversial, until I explain that these experiences, in my opinion, are the purpose of most relationships. Most relationships, sad though it is to say, are not built to last, particularly before the age of 30. There are simply too many factors that make breaking up nearly inevitable: you and your partner, as young adults, are changing far too quickly to know if you share lifelong compatibility; your security (job, living arrangement, location) isn’t established and is temporary at best; you may not have a depth of experience to lend you the skills you need to know to make a relationship work, and, most likely, attempting to stay in something long-term may prompt you to sacrifice other pursuits upon the altar of your relationship.
This is not to say that young love is never lasting. Certainly there are people who marry their high school sweethearts or find love at a similarly young age and are very happy. I am fortunate enough to be one of these people. But this opportunity isn’t available or suitable for most people, and I can give you a number of reasons why:
(1) Most people need to learn what a healthy relationship is. You would think it is simple to know what kinds of relationships are good and which are bad, but partnerships have complex dynamics that need to be experienced to be understood. Our relationship styles often reflect the relationship style of our parents, which can often be dysfunctional or otherwise ill-suited to us. This is why you often have to go through several relationships before you learn how to spot the danger signs that make intimacy unhealthy: abuse, infidelity, rage, mental illness, high drama, and other conflicts. Most people are not born knowing how to be a good partner or how to find a good partner; these are skills that must be learned.
(2) Most people pick badly (at first). We often assume that we know what we want out of a partner and that the things we want are the things we need, but this is usually not the case when we begin dating. Some people are attracted to qualities in others that are destructive to the relationship and to living a happy life. Others seem to know only how to attract people who wind up hurting them. It takes a great deal of introspection and experience to understand the balance of what we want and what we need from our partners, and many people lack this type of insight, especially when they are young and have not fully discovered their inner selves.
(3) Nothing lasts forever. Someone once told me that all love is tragic: you either break up or someone dies. As morbid as this sounds, it’s true. Most people don’t realize how impermanent life is; they assume that many things that they enjoy about life last forever and walk into relationships thinking that they’ve found “the one.” Why set yourself up for such fantastic disappointment? Better to let time speak for itself and not make assumptions about how long things will last. Be fully committed in the now; don’t bank on the uncertain future. Whether or not the relationship will last will become apparent in time.
(4) Idealism kills. Most people have an idea of what the “ideal” relationship is supposed to be like; the messages we get from our favorite movies and music, our secret wishes, and the model of our parents’ relationship all influence our beliefs about what love should be, and when we impose this ideal upon others, we are disappointed when they fail to meet our standards. This is why I think the best approach is to go into relationships with an open mind and experiment with how the dynamic feels rather than forcing your preconceived notions on your partner. And who knows? You might even learn something.
This is not to say that you shouldn’t have standards, however. Of course you have the right to protect your interests and to receive everything you want from a relationship; just make sure that you are open to alternatives and willing to work with what you have rather than attempting to conform reality to your ideals.
It is easy to forget how serious this last point is and how often it is the doom of relationships. Have you ever fallen out of love with someone or had someone fall out of love with you? It’s probably not because you or the other person changed drastically; it’s because one or both of you have fallen out of love with the idea of the other. What you fell in love with was the idea this person represented to you, and when you started to realize that this person wasn’t what you thought they were, the feelings of love began to fade. This is why going into relationships with your eyes fully open is so important: you have to see what is there, not what you wish was there.
So how do you win? How do you overcome these pitfalls and find true love? For me, I found that by noticing my relationship patterns and understanding what I needed to change in myself to break free from those unhealthy patterns, I was able to move away from dating people who were bad for me. I kept an open mind, dating people of different personalities, races, genders, appearances, and ages until I finally found what worked for me. I tried to see the value in each person I dated without thoughts of forever; I appreciated who they were and what they added to my life in the moment, not what things could become “someday.” In time, whether the relationship was lasting or not made itself clear all on its own. I put my best efforts into maintaining the relationships but understood that my effort was not spent to receive a big payoff in the end; you work hard at it because the person you are with deserves your best no matter how long or short the relationship is.
From my experiences, I learned a great many things about what kind of relationship was right for me. As it turns out, I am best suited to a committed, mature, and domestic relationship style with a busy, older man who gives me the freedom I need to pursue my own interests paired with the security, affection, and romance I have always craved. It turns out that I am at my best with someone who is very like myself rather than someone different, and despite being a talkative sort of person, I am happiest with someone I can listen to and learn from.
These are things I would have never learned about myself if I hadn’t spent my earlier dating years studying the dynamics of my experiences with other partners, if I hadn’t given certain relationships a try just to see what would happen. Though I tried my hardest and was fully committed to each relationship, I did so without any thoughts of marriage or other lifelong commitment until I gained enough experience to know who was worthy of that level of commitment. Though I am now in the relationship of my life, it took a lot of practice to get there.
Contrary to popular belief, relationships that do not last are not a waste of time; they are only a waste if you are not learning from them. So the next time you’re asked out by someone you don’t normally date, give it a try. Take a chance and see what you learn. No matter how it turns out, the skills you build and lessons you learn follow you for life. And who knows? The person you least expect may just be the one you’ve always wanted…
Sibeal WolfStar 